4/1/19 – The Naming of the Cow

I would be remiss if I didn’t begin this official policy statement by acknowledging that the idea of using the Mooterus and Mooterus iconography as a punchline is deeply offensive to a large number of people from all walks of life. From sea to glorious shining sea and from the third coast up to the furthest reaches of Canadian territory the Mooterus is a symbol of love, respect, and humanity. Making a mockery of it only emboldens its message.

The great irony here is that all of the efforts taken lately by the Stars to tangentially besmirch the good name of the Mooterus do nothing but bring light to the cause. With more visibility comes more acceptance. We will soon live in a world where the Mooterus is allowed to roam free without fear of scorn. #LetThemRoam

Today the Stars acquired a cow. Victor E. Green has been seen walking it.

The cow must stay. It doesn’t matter if its April Fools Day or not.

Marty Turco, seen here in his Mooterus…

…has suggested several names for this sacred calf. Mike Moodano. Joe Mooendyk, Sergei Moobov, and Andy Mooooog. Our stance is the cow should be named Mooro Heiscownen. Given that this isn’t an option we fully endorse Sergei Moobov.

Voting can be done here:

Please help remove this Mike Moodano moonstrosity.

3/3/19 – A Product Review

Sometimes I don’t understand the Dallas Stars. Often they do things openly hostile to fun on and off the ice. I feel like there was a slight sea change last year when the Stars released the Mooterus Acknowledgement Video, but I may just be grasping at uterian straws trying to give them credit.

Then close to a month ago with no fanfare, no noticeable promotional efforts of any kind, and no real acknowledgment the Stars released this hat at The Hangar at the American Airlines Center.

The Glorious Hat

I can’t find any record of it anywhere online. I have seen zero vendors selling it. It ostensibly only exists in The Hangar. When I bought it the cashier even asked me if this was a new hat. No one seems to know what the hell it is or where the hell it came from.

From looking at the inside of the hat you can tell its a new item. The Stars new-ish font is used on the seam covers. 

Everything about the hat is just unpleasant. It’s very shiny. It was shiny to the point that I was curious what it is made of. Sure enough, Bangladesh Polyester.

It cost 34 dollars. It doesn’t breathe. The hat causes visceral reactions in people when they see it. On the concourse I heard someone commenting about the two Mooterai walking in front of me. I said to him “I know, they’re great”. His response? He screamed and said “you got the hat!”

And all of this seems fitting for the Mooterus. The hat is everything people think of when they think of a Mooterus: uncomfortable, visibly unappealing, and provocative.

Maybe that’s why it works.

I salute whoever thought this was a good idea. You won’t sell many of these, but one day I would like to shake your hand for having the courage to stick this among the assorted Stars camo and trucker hats.

I have a hard time thinking the Stars had anything to do with this, but in my mind this is a little test run to see if anyone buys it before the Stars finally embrace their past again*.

*Disclaimer: there’s no way that’s true, but a man can dream.

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11/13/2018 – Sean Shapiro writes the definitive history of the Mooterus

Sean Shapiro has written the definitive two page history of the Mooterus. He wrote some other stuff in 100 Things Stars Fans Should Know & Do Before They Die so you should pick it up.

Book1

But let’s stay Aggressively On Brand here. There have been literally dozens of us screaming for this for many years. Sean deserves credit for giving The People what they need.

Through meticulous research Sean points out that the Stars went 13-7-3 wearing the Mooterus, almost certainly their best winning percentage with any jersey. He quotes Jim Lites as saying the jersey is “a fusion of Texas icons and the spirit of the Dallas Stars” which is a simply amazing quote in retrospect.

What are these icons? Space? A bull? Women’s reproductive rights? It’s simply a fascinating observation on his part given the niche the jersey would take as an out of scale model of a woman’sMar body detailed enough to be used in OBGYN schools across the land.

Marty Turco, pictured below from the Stars recent Mooterus video, is quoted as being a fan.

Turco
“It’s styish. It has a western feel,” said Turco. Indeed. He may regret that quote now, but Tom Hicks, the former owner who drove both the Stars and Texas Rangers into bankruptcy displayed his marketing acumen when he stated “good riddance” that the jersey was gone. The Stars, as it turns out, made $400,000 dollars on jersey sales.

What makes the book worth your money is this level of detail about things which might otherwise not matter outside of the context of a book specifically about the Stars. There are many of us who do want those details and are amused by facts like the fact that no one will claim to be the designer of the Mooterus.

There are chapters about Mike Modano’s stretcher being dropped, Fabian Brunnstrom, Patrik Stefan missing the empty netter, and, of course, Pantera. A chapter dedicated to a three to five day party at Vinnie Paul’s house where players got so drunk that they showed up to the parade attempting to sober up after damaging the Stanley Cup is very much written to my interests.

Which is part of the beauty of how Sean put the book together. There are sections anyone will find interesting if they are very familiar with the team. The book overall is a wonderful introduction to the history of the franchise for anyone who doesn’t have the knowledge base in place already. Even the “well educated”, for lack of a better term, will find many piece of information they never knew.

Go buy it. Learn about the Mooterus. It’s good.

4/18/18 – Mooterus Rising

“It wasn’t until much later we found out that the lead designer had flunked out of school in an effort to become a gynecologist.”

A good joke is built up through the set up and leads into the punchline that gets you. I never would have even watched this video or gotten to the punchline after a minute and a half of set up without a number of people alerting me to it. This is exceptional. Thank you for your service.

 

The Dallas Stars have released a video with the word gynecologist in it.

I am almost certain that this is the first time they have ever referred to their own logo as the Mooterus, and I’m also almost certain this is the second reference the team has made to the logo since the jerseys were so abruptly sent out to pasture.

Look at these sweeping images of the Mooterus in all of its glory.

Mooterus1.gif

A young Jim Lites makes a dizzying appearance.

Lites

Marty Turco made sure that he will live forever in gif form with his poor reaction to the Mooterus.

Turco.gif

Jussi Jokinen and Mike Modano seemed to deal with it just fine. Look how majestic it looks gliding across the ice for this goal.

Goal1.gif

“As soon as we hit the minimum number of games the league was forcing us to wear them we had a bonfire.”

Anon

Not to be outdone by Turco, Brenden Morrow decided he wanted to live forever in a disapproving gif.

Morrow

I completely forgot the Ice Girls had their own Mooterus uniforms. Dear GOD.

MooterusAction2.gif

You may be asking “what’s wrong with the Stars using the word gynecologist in a video?”

The answer? Nothing!

I’m just surprised that they did it. The Stars are normally so conservative and risk averse. This video mentions the uterus AND a gynecologist. They poke fun at themselves with an anonymous man behind a face shield. Former players are even in on the bit showing their disgust of the Mooterus. In short, the Stars made a fun harmless joke, and it was good.

We’ve seen how much fun they can have in the arena over the past several years, but more often than not that personality doesn’t show on the outside. The Stars really went for it with this and it works. All too often the NHL takes itself way too seriously. When they do try to lighten the mood we get people like the Vegas Golden Knights dearly departed irritating Twitter manager. Content like this hits that sweet spot where no one has any reason to be offended and humor is maximized by a well written joke.

Even in a bad season it’s possible to have a little fun. It would be nice to see the Stars churn more stuff like this out over the next few years and embrace their history no matter how embarrassing it may be.

My day is made.

2/5/2018 – Mooterart From Around The Internet

I’m torn about what to do. I feel like I need a prominent Mooterus at the top of the page and Mooterus accents everywhere. I would happily take one of the many you can find with Google.

The problem there is theft. I feel like that would risk a lawsuit from the Stars. I don’t want to get sued  Then again getting sued for ripping off a Mooterus is very much On Brand and might make it all worth it.

I can’t imagine anyone has the word “Mooterus” trademarked. There is no way the Stars do because they don’t even acknowledge the jersey, and the term isn’t “official” anyway. Plus if an outside force tried to trademark it there almost certainly would be a lawsuit. I feel like I’m pretty safe using it as gratuitously as possible though I’m no lawyer.

I hit Google looking for inspiration and ideas. Mooterus artwork and Mooterus themed drawings are pretty common. If you aren’t familiar with the Mooterus (for one, why are you here?) this is it in all of it’s glory:

Dallas-Stars-logo-2003-06

If you’re unfamiliar with why it is colloquially referred to as the Mooterus that’s because it bears a stunning resemblance to the female reproductive system:

Uterus

Professionals have tried to make the logo less fun by removing the red to make the original jersey more aesthetically pleasing and On Brand for the Stars. Hockey By Design did this for some reason:

Screen-Shot-2017-06-09-at-2.21.14-PM.png

It just doesn’t look right.

A couple of enterprising individuals tried to mock up a Stars third jersey with an up to date Mooterus. This one appears to be done by a scholar named Coby Schoolman. Boffo work.

CobySchoolman-DAL (2)

We also have a fine piece of Photoshopping that shows us what the Victory Greem jersey looks like Mooterized.

mooterus2

I appreciate the invention. I appreciate the creativity. These people clearly have their priorities in order and know how things should be. I salute them.

I need the dedication of those who decided to draw Mooteri. Imagine the dedication needed to craft a Mooterus from crayon, ink pen, marker, paint, or charcoal. I think this one is watercolor and I would love to discuss the work with the artist to understand their motivations and goals with the piece.

mooterus_by_ashtonmack-db97kvlAs much as I love the effort and work my favorite depiction has been saved for last. This artist put so much thought and effort into their work. The MS Paint craftsmanship is unparalleled. I’m in love.

iwG0WWu

If any of the last two artists see this I would love to talk to you. Your work is phenomenal. I am beyond moved and inspired.

I still don’t know what to do for a logo or a banner, but I do now know that the precedent of hand drawing one is out there. It remains to be seen which direction I go. If you have any suggestions I would love to hear them. If you would like to offer up your own rendition of the Mooterus I would love to see it too. Thank you for your courage should you decide to share one.

Hey, click these

2/4/2018 – Tyler Seguin’s 25th Goal
2-4-2018 A Hockey Rink is a Hockey Rink and a Game is a Game
2/3/18 – The Conservative NHL and Mooterus Culture
2/2/18 – A New Hope